All right, so this is what I have to say.
Music: Awesome, volume is perfect.
Thumbnails: Not enough to tell. But it looks like you have the general concept of a successful thumbnail down
Commentary: That was a Blue Snowball in the video? You have some work to do then friend because its power is being underutilized. If you have the means to obtain Adobe Audition, use this tutorial it is awesome
Code:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17prAr_bNYs
Otherwise just try to at least raise the volume of your microphone track. Adobe Premiere and Vegas Pro make this easy if you have them.
Quality: 720p, no complaints there. You said it was not your footage, so I cannot accurately rate it. But if you give my the name of your capture card I can probably tell you how good it will be right off the bat.
Video Description: Try to organize that. Look at some famous youtubers and how they arrange their video descriptions. This isn't that important but just something to keep in mind if you are going for professionalism.
Channel Art: We need to talk. It does need some work, I can see that your background to your banner came from a image sharing website with the watermarks. The avatar isn't bad. I really recommend making a really nice one in Photoshop or go on YouTube forums much like this one and possible requesting some art to be professionally made. This stuff is the first thing people see, just like thumbnails, you want the art to be a good reflection on you.
Channel Organization: Too early to really tell, but I recommend networking, connecting social media, making playlists. You will get it as you move on, I am confident in that.
Overall: You have a little bit of work to do, but you defiantly introduced yourself good. Listen to me on this... You channel is
NOT bad, by any means. There is no bad if you are trying, and you can only move up and get better as you go. Just the most important thing is you get that microphone figured out, because I have heard blue snowballs. That didn't sound like a blue snowball.
The best advice I can give you is, just keep it up. Upload more videos everyday. Network and share your videos with family and friends. Be energetic and love what you do, and be professional and upload content that you would want to watch. It is hard to tell how successful you will be on youtube but if you keep uploading. You will not struggle. Good luck mate, I hope this helped.
Also note for next time. This is the incorrect section, try posting here next time. http://freedom.community.tm/forums/youtube-feedback.298/